Epigrams

I can't stand Opera, Hip Hop, and Country. I'm completely non-partisan.

Maybe get a dog. That way the mess won't seem so bad.

I'm quite sure that those who are certain about life have no idea what they're talking about.

Depression can be a lot like drowning. You're too involved to display it to other people.

Any meaning you discover in my utterance is entirely your fault.

I have other answers, equally bad. Best not to ask.

I want to put an entire bottle of dawn in a washing machine.

I think if you run that experiment a few times you'll get a lovely shade of dove gray. If that doesn't work out, I'm sure I never said it.

That old adage about how any thing that doesn't kill you makes you stronger is a Damned Lie.

Suicide is an effective way to shut off the stupid.

I try to never blow smoke up your ass. I reserve the right in case that's really your thing.

Vinaigrette is Tomato Sauce (1). (1) Not exclusively of course.

How big a role does Stockholm Syndrome play in long term relationships?

What's the rule for leftovers? How long do I have to let them rot before I'm allowed to toss?

"I'm not racist, but" ends the decision on this question.

You know how your body gets a fever to fight invasive bacteria? Climate change is like that.

The difference between frugal and fungal is between not having enough green dough and having too much green dough.

For some people, nothing *is* the best they can do.

In childhood learn good manners; in youth control your passions; in middle age practice justice; in old age be of good counsel; in death have no regrets. --Attributed to Aristotle

s'not snoot, snout; snot shot

It occurs to me that feathering your nest is rather more ominous that it seems. I mean, wouldn't you be cold? Or is it worse? Can you hire it done?

Any noun can be verbed. I heard one titan of industry say we should database that.

And, damn it people, architect is a person. What that person does is called DESIGN.

Irony, of course, is the gap between wanting to be funny and being actually funny.

Oddly enough conjugal visit has nothing to do with verb tenses. Well I assume there is some verbing and I suppose it could be tense, but that's really a different thing.

A mole is either a small mammal staring in your window, a human staring in your window, or the number of atoms in your window. 

A hot irony curls many things. 

With fall coming on, you should calibrate your coatage appropriately. 

I'm thinking of opening an establishment where the servers will tell you you're pretty. Or handsome. Or Muscular. Or Witty. I would've called it Gaslight, but that has connotations of mendacity.

There is no point in speaking to you. I cannot correct your level of intelligence.

The Muses don't tip toe behind you and tap you on the shoulder. They sneak up and whack you with a bat. Then run away, giggling.

The problem with work is there isn't enough leisure time.

One might speak words of longing to the object of your desire, or, by way of advancing the action, commit them, via the darkness of ink to the lightness of paper, thus effecting the pre-position of the preposition of the proposition.

There is a term of art in Geology in which a stratum will be described as 'competent' rock. All this means is that it doesn't fall apart when subjected to mild stress. It's ok to wish for things isn't it?

There is an old saying that comedy is tragedy plus time. This is only true if the joke's funny.

Sometimes when you're watching the stupid grow, like zeno said or some asymptotic function, closer and closer to maximum stupid, things get fifty percent more stupid. -paraphrase of a Nate Silver tweet.

The interesting aspect of not having your life's purpose dictated to you is you get to make one up.


The loud is a definite loud. Aloud is, naturally, indefinite.

Is a mitten a hand sock? 

Was on my mostly every day walk and chanced on the mail person. Had a ten minute conversation on death. 

What fresh hell is this (to borrow from Dorothy)? Not a fresh hell. The same hell, rehashed.

I'm thinking of starting a band that specializes in wind chimes and gentle brook sounds. I'm going to call it Bring The Pain.

 Among my folk old donuts, old pizza, and warm beer work well enough.

I would be Laundry Man except the cape and tights make the problem that much worse. 

I'm full of excellent advice. Not really sure what it's about.

I'd be glad to help you. Please wait for the next available operator.

I have excellent advice. Please check back next Thursday.

There is something whiny and needy about a nap you don't get to take.

I don't recommend talking. People get the wrong idea.

There are two important things about cars: tires and brakes. That whole not stopping thing. Well, maybe three things. The space between your ears. I can't fix that last one (I can't fix the first two either so don't be calling me).

Don't bother me when I'm trying to think. I have enough trouble as it is.

Don't bother me when I'm trying to think. Because you're interrupting me trying to think.

Most folks have the attention span of a goldfish with amnesia.

I'm popular. In a very mild sense. Don't tell anyone.

I'm completely awesome. Don't blink you'll miss it.

Sometimes I, well, it doesn't matter. You have to pass the time somehow.

If you think it's funny it's humor. Every other thing is philosophy. Which is never funny.

I'm not responsible for the dubious thoughts I suggest in your mind.

Galahad couldn't get his ashes hauled if the tomatoes hit him in the face. 

Some folks need to meet Satin (Satan does seem a little extreme).

I have this urge to walk up to an Hispanic person with a paper signing the country over to them. We fucked it up. Time to bail.

I'm thinking of starring in a movie called 'Awkward Man', but I'm feeling a little uncomfortable about it.