How to Stay Married
I will be married for 29 years in a couple days. From time to time I spend time thinking about why that is so and how to continue it. What follows are some thoughts on how to stay married.
One of the things I love to do is read the Agony Aunts, britspeak for advice columnists (a shout out to Carolyn Hax). The folks (mostly women) are asking why their relationships suck. There are a series of perennial problems. Money, Sex, Kids, household duties, and being emotionally available. All of this comes down to what I'll call respect.
A lot of issues occur because folks think the courting aspect of the relationship ends with the marriage ceremony. You should think of the marriage ceremony as a null event. It does not matter in any way. If you spent gobs of money on it you're a fool. The important stuff occurs after the marriage ceremony, and if you're lucky and paying attention, for the rest of your life.
Early one, preferably before the marriage, you should talk about some things. Money is one of the major things. It's one of the main reasons marriages end. The central aspect to dealing with Money is transparency and fairness. When I say transparency I mean that both partners can see everything that happens with ALL of the money in the relationship. No fucking surprises. If you're hiding shit, you're both a jerk, and going to be divorced. I'll note in passing that you really should plan how to spend your money, but that's really a separate post. The Fairness aspect is important. Both partners should feel that the way the money is allocated feels fair. The emphasis is not random. It should feel fair. External measures of fairness aren't that useful. Both partners should think it is OK for each of them. There are several ways of dealing with this. The wife and I had separate accounts for many years. She spent her money and I spent mine. We've since made everything joint as that makes sense from a legal point of view. That worked for us as we made roughly similar money. For folks that don't you have to think about the partner that makes less. Making less feels shitty as our society values money. So one way to deal with this is to move a set amount of money from the account of the big earner to an entirely separate account for the lower earner.
There are interesting spending aspects that relate to marriage. If one of you is a spender (new cars every couple of years, frequent nice clothes, fancy house) and the other a saver maybe you shouldn't get married. Fortunately the wife and I are both basically frugal. So this is fairness again. A spender and a saver married means both don't feel the relationship is fair.
Sex. As will not surprise anyone sex is a big topic. If you're in a relationship where one of you wants more sex and the other wants less, you have a big problem. Talk about it. Talk about early and often. Why the disparity? Would it help if you rubbed your partner's feet? Would it help if you took out the garbage more than once a month? Ideally you figure this out before you get married. If there is a fundamental difference that cannot be overcome, get out of the relationship. Do it early.
Kids. Are you going to have any? How will they be raised? Find this out before you get married. Seriously. Role play the various aspects of raising the kid. How will you talk about bullying? How will you talk about sex? Figure this out before you discover that you're strict and your partner is permissive.
On house hold duties I think this is another aspect of fairness. The both of you should feel that the division of duties feels fair. Again the emphasis is important. You and your partner should think the breakdown works, and not some 'objective' measure. If there is a persistent pattern where one of you thinks there is a disparity, talk about it. If it continues get out of the relationship.
For me there are a couple things I try to do every day. I try to never criticize. Never (I don't always succeed). I view my wife as substantial human who can make excellent decisions. That means I want to mentally review every potential criticism as if this is just my view of things. I try to keep anger out of the house. Anger tears down relationships. When my wife speaks I try really hard to actually listen to what she's saying. I try to pay attention. Partly because the information might be valuable and partly to show I fucking care.
It turns out my wife shares these values. If your partner does not share yours you should seek a new one.
One of the things I love to do is read the Agony Aunts, britspeak for advice columnists (a shout out to Carolyn Hax). The folks (mostly women) are asking why their relationships suck. There are a series of perennial problems. Money, Sex, Kids, household duties, and being emotionally available. All of this comes down to what I'll call respect.
A lot of issues occur because folks think the courting aspect of the relationship ends with the marriage ceremony. You should think of the marriage ceremony as a null event. It does not matter in any way. If you spent gobs of money on it you're a fool. The important stuff occurs after the marriage ceremony, and if you're lucky and paying attention, for the rest of your life.
Early one, preferably before the marriage, you should talk about some things. Money is one of the major things. It's one of the main reasons marriages end. The central aspect to dealing with Money is transparency and fairness. When I say transparency I mean that both partners can see everything that happens with ALL of the money in the relationship. No fucking surprises. If you're hiding shit, you're both a jerk, and going to be divorced. I'll note in passing that you really should plan how to spend your money, but that's really a separate post. The Fairness aspect is important. Both partners should feel that the way the money is allocated feels fair. The emphasis is not random. It should feel fair. External measures of fairness aren't that useful. Both partners should think it is OK for each of them. There are several ways of dealing with this. The wife and I had separate accounts for many years. She spent her money and I spent mine. We've since made everything joint as that makes sense from a legal point of view. That worked for us as we made roughly similar money. For folks that don't you have to think about the partner that makes less. Making less feels shitty as our society values money. So one way to deal with this is to move a set amount of money from the account of the big earner to an entirely separate account for the lower earner.
There are interesting spending aspects that relate to marriage. If one of you is a spender (new cars every couple of years, frequent nice clothes, fancy house) and the other a saver maybe you shouldn't get married. Fortunately the wife and I are both basically frugal. So this is fairness again. A spender and a saver married means both don't feel the relationship is fair.
Sex. As will not surprise anyone sex is a big topic. If you're in a relationship where one of you wants more sex and the other wants less, you have a big problem. Talk about it. Talk about early and often. Why the disparity? Would it help if you rubbed your partner's feet? Would it help if you took out the garbage more than once a month? Ideally you figure this out before you get married. If there is a fundamental difference that cannot be overcome, get out of the relationship. Do it early.
Kids. Are you going to have any? How will they be raised? Find this out before you get married. Seriously. Role play the various aspects of raising the kid. How will you talk about bullying? How will you talk about sex? Figure this out before you discover that you're strict and your partner is permissive.
On house hold duties I think this is another aspect of fairness. The both of you should feel that the division of duties feels fair. Again the emphasis is important. You and your partner should think the breakdown works, and not some 'objective' measure. If there is a persistent pattern where one of you thinks there is a disparity, talk about it. If it continues get out of the relationship.
For me there are a couple things I try to do every day. I try to never criticize. Never (I don't always succeed). I view my wife as substantial human who can make excellent decisions. That means I want to mentally review every potential criticism as if this is just my view of things. I try to keep anger out of the house. Anger tears down relationships. When my wife speaks I try really hard to actually listen to what she's saying. I try to pay attention. Partly because the information might be valuable and partly to show I fucking care.
It turns out my wife shares these values. If your partner does not share yours you should seek a new one.
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